A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd, in a remote mountainous pasture in California, when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”

Bud looks at the man,obviously a yuppie,then looks at his peacefully grazing herd, and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite,that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email, on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives his response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

”That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.

”Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ……

……Now give me back my dog!”

(via Bits & Pieces)

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There’s a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

”Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession,

but I must first admit that the confessional box

is much more inviting than it used to be.”

The priest replies: “Get out. You’re on my side.”

(via Bits & Pieces)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you idiot!" He exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"

Ever since I was a child, I’ve had a fear of someone under my bed at night, so I went to a psychiatrist.

“I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.

“Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup!”

“Is that so!” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!”

Thanks to my good buddy, and favorite bartender, SuperDave!!!

Recently, the wife and I had the opportunity to take a fishing trip down the Wisconsin River. We'd been doing ok- a few here, a few there your basic river fishing morning, until it happened. We noticed a Pinion tree that seemed to have been struck by lightning near its base leaving it half in the water and its trunk on the sandy shore. I noticed at the shore just under the trunk of the tree the fanning tail of what appeared to be a very large Bass. Immediately, I told my wife if you want to catch a big one, cast your lure onto the shore along the tree and slowly pull it into the water and that bass will nab it, be careful you don't want to spook it. So she did. Repeatedly, with no luck.

"Try a different lure," I said. She did over and over-nothing, the Bass was just sitting there.

Now being the expert I am, I said "Let me have a go at it". Over and over I tried-nothing. That fish was driving us both nuts- couldn't get it to bite on anything.

Out of nowhere a midsize Grey Squirrel appeared on the base of the tree trunk, it had noticed a Pinion nut on one of the branches of the tree about two feet above the water. With its hind legs grasping the trunk of the tree, it leaned forward with its front paws to grab the nut, as soon as its front paws touched that nut the biggest bass I have ever seen in my lifetime blew up, jumped completely out of the water and engulfed that squirrel. Comparatively it looked like a full-grown Musky nabbing a May Fly.

We both fell to our seats looking at each other with our jaws on the floor of the boat thinking what the hell was that! We had never seen a bass so large and capable of doing such a deed. My wife and I both agreed that was the most amazing thing we'd ever seen!

Or so we thought. We had been sitting there talking about the enormous size and the astonishing feat of that fish when all of a sudden that same bass came out of the water and placed another Pinion nut on that branch. 

(via Miss Cellania)

Day One

* Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
* Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
* Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.
* Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

Day Two

* Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
* Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor).One ice cube, if desired.
* Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
* Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

Day Three

* Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
* Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up
* Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

Final Day

* Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
* Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
* Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

Start over with day one.

(via Miss Cellania)

A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years.

One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow! That's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a computer in there?"

I have a few friends who play the bagpipes, and this joke really tickled my funnybone!

The Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace," the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept and we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Son of a gun, I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around and I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying much attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. What a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most of us old guys are helpful like that.

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking..

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

I found my husband on the 5th floor - Dana

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine-cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said : ‘I don’t think you should take one, Dad. They’re very strong and very expensive.’

‘How much?’ asked Grandpa.

‘$10.00 a pill.’ answered the son.

‘I don’t care,’ said Grandpa,

‘I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow.’

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said : ‘Dad, I told you each pill costs $10.00, not $110.00. ‘

‘I know,’ said Grandpa. ‘The hundred is from Grandma!’

(via Bits & Pieces)

A "C," an "E-flat," and a "G" go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."

So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the sopranout in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.

(via Miss Cellania)

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again..

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Thanks Mom!

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida ,
are all excited about their decision to get married. They
Go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they
Pass a Drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart
Medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "
Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and
Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and
Sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

(Thanks Dad!)